Let’s invent a conspiracy theory

“Thank you for coming to the Palace. Have you come far?”

Of of all the conspiracy theories doing the rounds on the internet my favourite is not the one assuming George Bush to have a hidden set of smarts so vast as to make him capable of the cover up of the century.  And it’s not – despite genuine interest in SETI – about whether NASA is covering up evidence of extraterrestrial life.

Most conspiracy theories need that premise of possibility to sustain: The idea that Mohammed Atta’s passport survived the North Tower fireball in which steel had vaporised sounds a little preposterous.  Tony Blair’s government was the very embodiment of competence (sic), so it surely can’t just be a cock-up that there was no WMD in Iraq to speak of can it?

The problem with almost all theories of this kind is that they assume a great level of competence in the higher echelons of government even when the contrary evidence is staring at them in the face.

They also assume blue collar servants of the illuminati/Bilderberg Group/Facebook are in on it.  After all no one is seriously (sic) suggesting Bush and Cheney personally lined the World Trade Centre with explosives on their day off.  But what has the guy who drilled the rivets for the secret spaceships got to gain from not leaking a few cheeky snaps from his smartphone?  Or the people that do Area 51’s graphic design?

This is what makes the Rise of the Lizard People the best theory of all.  If “it’s because they’re Lizards innit” is the answer, we are definitely asking the right question.

I challenged a ‘truth activist’ about her theory that lizards masquerading as people run the world.  In response I was told that “some of us had more reptilian DNA than others.”  That evil people are cold blooded as a result of this and this explains all the heinousness in the world.  Bad shit?  That’ll be the gecko’s.

She got me thinking that it was actually a compliment to our ruling classes (or Chris Carter, whatevs) that she would sooner believe almost anything before accepting the possibility that the level of competence in our leaders is so normal, so disappointingly average, so “this pissup in a brewery you promised is really just me buying a round somewhere else for a change” that it’s a veritable wonder they can keep their PIN numbers to themselves.

So I thought I’d have some fun with her and the other people of underworked intelligence: let’s invent a conspiracy theory.  Was Diana killed by Bill Clinton?  Is Lord Lucan AIDS patient zero, and has the CIA implanted a camera in my digital TV?  (If so chaps, you in for hours of footage of chillumoxing and not much else.)

My aim is to put the best one into the piranha tank of the internet’s best tin-hatter sites and see what comes out the other end…

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